16th March 2016

It’s Maghrib at the moment so it’s rather peaceful thus making me contemplate to write something down.

You know, I have been feeling down for quite sometimes ever since my graduation. Mind you, graduation is not equivalent to convocation (I just knew that so I think I should let you know it too). Perhaps “feeling down” is quite normal slash ordinary slash common to use. Perhaps I should use the word “apathetic” or “emotionally lost” or “there’s a void inside me”. Perhaps I should use more of a vulgar word like “I-don’t-give-a-fuck” (but that’s more of a sentence?). Or perhaps I should lie straight to your face and tell you “I’ve been feeling okay for the past few months so no worries (inserts smiley face). There are so many possibilities yet those ‘maybes’ are all true. 

*drum rolls* 

I have been feeling all of the above. 

*inserts dramatic music*

I honestly believe that sadness is better than apathy. Why might you ask? I don’t know…it feels alive when I’m sad and miserable and sorrowful because that way, I’d get more inspired to write poetry, to draw, to live life with such a heavy heart it’d bleed (see, I told you it’d flourish my inner artist), to actually ponder about life. Also, during these moments, my sensible side would come out and have a war with my emotional side and make me all tired and shaky but I know eventually, they’d manage to find a truce and I’d be okay. Normally, it ends like that so I can’t really say about the future. 

Being apathetic is how should I say this, probably the worst feeling ever? because you basically give up on having feelings. You heart heaves and constantly warns you to stop giving it feels because it is tired from pumping those shitty emotions and overthinking you’ve had and it just has had enough. The worst part is that you won’t care about anything and you start to doubt about everything and this what scares me. I am a Muslim and there are certain things better left unanswered because they are just impossible to prove scientifically (and reasonably in a way). And whenever I feel apathetic, I would also feel depressed, like there’s literally a blackhole inside me that instead of sucking everything in, it spurts every fiber of emotions that I have within me. I would be most bitter, most judgmental, most depressed, most hypocritical during this time. This would be the worst version of yours truly and you don’t want to mess around with me nor be with me during these times. Because I’m scared of own self too like my sensible side isn’t present because she just can’t reason with this hollow creature. 

*sighs*

This is quite a long post, isn’t it? 

It’s fun to write things down like this. You know, I’m forgetting things a lot these days, especially my vocabulary, Malay's and English's respectively. Maybe this happens due to my lack of reading. Just gonna keep thinking positively, lol. Random me strikes again!

p/s: I really want to watch Bones Season 10 and 11. *UGH* *incoherent noise*